Jesus wept: 6 myths about grief that hurt

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“At least he’s not suffering anymore.”

“You’re so strong. I could never do what you’re doing.”

You’ve probably heard a few of these by now. Maybe at the funeral. Maybe in the church lobby or the checkout line. The people who said them meant well. Most of them really did.

But some of those words didn’t land as comfort. They landed like a weight.

I wonder how many of us have walked away from a kind conversation feeling like we were grieving wrong.

If that’s you, I want you to hear this. You’re not grieving wrong. A lot of what we’ve been told about grief simply isn’t true. These myths get passed around because they sound wise, and because silence feels so awkward. But a myth can do real harm when you’re hurting. It can make you feel ashamed of something that’s completely normal.

So let’s look at six of them. Honestly. And let’s start where Jesus did, at a grave.

Myths about grief, and Jesus at the grave of His friend

John 11 tells the story of Lazarus. He was a close friend of Jesus, the brother of Martha and Mary. When Lazarus got sick, the sisters sent word to Jesus. By the time He arrived, Lazarus had been in the tomb four days. These myths about grief usually come from kind people who simply don’t know better.

Martha met Him on the road with the words grieving people still say today: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died” (John 11:21, ESV).

Later Mary came, fell at His feet, and said the very same thing (John 11:32).

Notice that Jesus didn’t correct either of them. He didn’t tell them to cheer up or remind them it all happens for a reason. John tells us that when Jesus saw Mary weeping, “he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled” (John 11:33, ESV).

And then comes the shortest verse in the Bible.

“Jesus wept” (John 11:35, ESV).

Here’s what makes that so remarkable. Jesus knew what He was about to do. In a few minutes Lazarus would walk out of that tomb. If anyone had a reason to skip the tears, it was Jesus.

He cried anyway.

Myth 1: If you had more faith, you wouldn’t hurt this much

This one hurts people of faith most of all. Somewhere along the way, many of us picked up the idea that real believers don’t fall apart. That tears mean doubt. That a strong Christian should be “doing so well” by now.

But Jesus had perfect faith, and Jesus wept.

Grief isn’t the opposite of faith. Grief is what love feels like when someone is gone. The people standing at that tomb looked at Jesus crying and said, “See how he loved him!” (John 11:36, ESV). They didn’t see weakness. They saw love.

Your tears can be the same. Faith doesn’t take away the ache. It gives you Someone to bring it to.

Myth 2: Time heals all wounds

Time helps. It really does. The sharp, can’t breathe kind of pain usually softens.

But time by itself doesn’t heal anything. Plenty of people carry the same frozen grief for twenty years because nobody ever gave them room to feel it. What helps is what you do with the time. Talking about the person you lost. Letting yourself cry. Getting support. Telling God the truth.

Most grief counselors will tell you that grief doesn’t end so much as change. You don’t get over a death. You slowly learn to carry it. That’s not failure. That’s how love works.

Keep reading: Still heavy: what to do when grief isn’t getting easier

Myth 3: Grief follows five neat stages

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

It came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who first wrote about the feelings of people who were dying. Many people took it as a checklist for grieving, as if you finish one stage, check the box, and move on to the next.

But Kübler-Ross herself didn’t see it that way. In the book she wrote later with David Kessler, On Grief and Grieving, they said the stages are “not stops on some linear timeline in grief” and that not everyone goes through all of them, or in a set order. (Grief.com)

Real grief is more like waves than stairs. You might feel acceptance on Tuesday and fury on Wednesday. You might skip anger entirely, or feel it for the first time a year later.

So if you can’t tell what stage you’re in, nothing’s wrong with you. There’s no box to check.

Myth 4: Just stay busy and you’ll be fine

Busyness can be a gift for a little while. A full calendar can get you through some brutal weeks.

But staying busy forever only postpones grief. It doesn’t remove it. Sooner or later the house gets quiet, and everything you’ve been outrunning catches up.

Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe something healthier. In their well known dual process model, people who grieve well move back and forth. Some time facing the loss, remembering and missing and crying. Some time turning toward daily life, the errands and the new routines. (Utrecht University)

So yes, go to lunch with your friend. And also give yourself some quiet afternoons to simply miss them.

Myth 5: You have to be strong for everyone

This one is often spoken right to you. “Be strong for the kids.” “Your family needs you to hold it together.”

I understand why people say it. But being strong usually ends up meaning being silent. And silent grief gets lonely fast.

Think about Bethany again. Jesus didn’t stand off to the side holding it together for Martha and Mary. He wept with them. He let them see His sorrow.

There’s real strength in that kind of honesty. When your children or grandchildren see you cry, they learn that grief is safe to talk about. When you let a friend help, you give them a way to love you. Strength isn’t hiding your pain. Sometimes strength is letting someone see it.

Keep reading: How to help someone who is grieving

Myth 6: If you laugh again, you loved them less

Then one day it happens. Something funny catches you off guard and you laugh out loud. And right behind the laugh comes the guilt. How could I?

Here’s the truth. Joy doesn’t erase love. You can laugh at a memory and miss them terribly in the same minute. Grief counselors sometimes call this a continuing bond. The relationship doesn’t end at the grave. It changes shape. You carry them with you, into new days and even new joys.

Laughter isn’t a betrayal. Often it’s a sign that their love is still at work in you.

A Savior who comes close

So why does all of this matter?

Because the God revealed in Jesus isn’t a God who stands at a distance and tells you to get over it. He comes to the grave. He feels the weight of it. He weeps.

And then He does something about it. The same chapter that tells us Jesus wept also tells us Lazarus walked out alive. Later, Jesus would walk out of His own tomb. Because of that, Christians grieve with real hope. Not a hope that skips the tears, but a hope that holds us inside them.

You don’t have to have your faith figured out to come to Him. If you’re angry, bring the anger. If you’re not sure what you believe, you’re still welcome. If you’ve ever wondered what it would mean to know Jesus personally, I’d love to share more with you here.

Something to sit with this week

Think about which of these six myths you’ve been carrying. Maybe one of them was said to you. Maybe you’ve been saying it to yourself. Letting go of these myths about grief can make room for real comfort.

Write it on a piece of paper. Then underneath it, write the truth in your own words. Something like, “My tears don’t mean my faith is weak. They mean I loved.”

And if you’d like, pray this:

Jesus, You wept at Your friend’s grave. Thank You for not rushing me. Help me let go of the things I was told about grief that aren’t true. Hold me in the waves, and help me believe I’m not grieving alone. Amen.

People will keep saying things that don’t help. That’s just part of grief. But you don’t have to believe every one of them. The One who wept at Lazarus’s grave understands your tears better than anybody. And He’s not asking you to hide them.

Blessings,

Pastor Howard