Let them carry it: how to accept help when you’re grieving

Some of the hardest words in grief are only two.

Yes, please.

A neighbor offers to mow the lawn. A friend from church wants to bring dinner on Thursday. Your sister says she could come stay for a few days. And before you even think about it, out comes the answer you’ve given your whole life.

“Oh, that’s so kind. But I’m fine. Really. I’ve got it.”

Then you close the door, and the house is quiet, and the lawn is still long, and you’re not fine at all.

I wonder how many grieving people are worn out tonight, not because nobody offered, but because they couldn’t say yes.

If that’s you, I understand. And I want to gently suggest that saying yes might be part of how you heal.

Why saying yes is so hard

Most of us were raised to be the helpers. We’re the ones who bring the casserole. We drive people to appointments. We show up. Being on the other side of that feels strange, maybe even a little embarrassing.

And grief piles more on top.

Maybe you don’t want to be a burden. People have their own lives, and you don’t want to take up their time. Maybe you’re afraid that if you let someone in, you’ll fall apart in front of them. Maybe it feels like accepting help means admitting this is really happening. That they’re really gone.

Or maybe it’s simpler than that. You’re so tired you can’t think of anything to ask for. Someone says, “Let me know if you need anything,” and your mind goes blank.

All of that is normal. None of it means you’re doing grief wrong.

But here’s something worth knowing. The people who try to carry grief all by themselves tend to get stuck under it. Not because they’re weak. Because nobody was ever meant to carry this much alone.

What the research shows

Grief experts have been saying this for a long time. The American Psychological Association notes that most people can work through loss over time, especially when they have support around them. And it warns about what happens when we pull away: “Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with your support systems.” (American Psychological Association)

Other studies of grieving people point the same way. Loneliness is one of the heaviest parts of loss. People who have a chance to talk about their feelings and lean on others tend to do better, in body and in spirit.

In other words, the casserole isn’t really about the casserole. It’s about not being alone.

Keep reading: When everyone goes home: grief after the funeral

Four friends and a hole in the roof

There’s a story in Mark’s Gospel that I think every grieving person should read slowly.

Jesus was teaching in a house in Capernaum. So many people crowded in that there wasn’t room left, not even outside the door. And then this happened:

“And they came, bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay.” Mark 2:3 to 4 (ESV)

Think about that man for a minute.

He couldn’t walk. He couldn’t get himself to Jesus. He couldn’t push through the crowd or climb onto the roof. Everything that happened that day, he needed someone else to do.

All he could do was let them carry him.

I wonder what that felt like. Being hauled up onto a roof on a mat. Being lowered down through a hole in front of a crowd of staring people. I don’t imagine he felt very dignified. He may have felt helpless. Maybe a little embarrassed.

But he let them.

And look at the next line: “And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven'” (Mark 2:5, ESV).

Their faith. Jesus saw the faith of the friends who carried him. On a day when the man on the mat couldn’t do anything himself, his friends’ faith brought him to Jesus.

That’s a picture of grace. Some days you won’t have the strength to get yourself anywhere, not even to God. On those days, you’re allowed to let other people carry you. Their prayers can carry you when you can’t pray. Their faith can hold you up when yours feels thin.

You’re not a burden. You’re family.

The apostle Paul wrote a line to the churches in Galatia that turns the idea of being a burden upside down.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 (ESV)

Notice what that means. God expects that we’ll have burdens. Heavy ones. And He’s designed His people to carry them together.

When you say no to every offer of help, you’re not just protecting other people from inconvenience. You might also be keeping them from doing what God made them to do. Your friend who wants to bring soup isn’t just being nice. In a real way, she’s following Jesus. Letting her do it is a gift to her too.

There’s grace in that for you as well. You don’t have to earn help. You don’t have to prove you deserve it or pay it back right away. That’s how God’s love works with us, too. Jesus didn’t wait for us to have it together. He came to carry what we couldn’t.

And if you’re not sure where you stand with God right now, that’s all right. Like the man on the mat, you can start by just letting yourself be brought close. If you’ve ever wondered what it would mean to know Jesus personally, I’d love to share more with you here.

Keep reading: Show up on Tuesday: how to help someone who is grieving

Accepting help when grieving: how to actually say yes

Knowing you should accept help and actually doing it are two different things. Here are a few simple ways to start. Accepting help when grieving takes courage, and it’s a gift to the people who love you.

Keep a short list by the phone. When you think of something you need, write it down. Groceries. A ride to the doctor. Someone to sit with you on Sunday afternoon. Changing the furnace filter. Then when someone says, “Let me know if you need anything,” you don’t have to think. Just read them one thing off the list.

Say yes before you say no. Next time someone offers, try pausing for a breath before you answer. Ask yourself, Would this actually help? If it would, say yes. You can practice the words: “Thank you. That would really help.”

Let people help in their own way. Some people are good with meals. Some are good with yard work, or paperwork, or just sitting quietly. You don’t have to find one person to do it all. Let each one carry a small corner.

Pick one person you can be honest with. Not everyone needs to know how you’re really doing. But you need at least one. Someone you can call and say, “Today is bad.” That’s not being needy. That’s being human.

Accept help with your grief, not just your chores. Sometimes the help you need most is a grief group, a pastor, or a counselor. Saying yes to that kind of help takes courage too. And if your grief ever brings thoughts of not wanting to be here, please call or text 988 any time, day or night.

Keep reading: Arise and eat: gentle self care when you’re grieving

Something to try this week

Think of one person who has offered to help since your loss. Just one. Accepting help when grieving starts with one small yes.

This week, call them back. Tell them one specific thing that would help. It could be small. “Could you pick up a few groceries on Thursday?” “Would you sit with me for an hour on Sunday?”

Then let them do it. Don’t apologize. Don’t explain. Just say, “Thank you.”

If you’d like, you can pray something like this first:

Lord, I don’t like needing people. But I can’t carry this by myself. Help me let others carry me the way those four friends carried that man to You. And thank You for carrying me most of all. Amen.

The man on the mat didn’t get to Jesus by being strong. He got there because he let his friends carry him.

You’re allowed to let them carry you too.

Blessings,

Pastor Howard