Show up on Tuesday: how to help someone who is grieving

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion…” Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude (1974)

“Let me know if you need anything.”

You’ve said it. I’ve said it. We mean it every time. We say it at the funeral home, in the receiving line, by the casserole table at the church fellowship hall.

And almost nobody ever calls.

It isn’t because they don’t need anything. They need almost everything. It’s because a grieving person can’t think straight enough to know what to ask for, and even if she could, she doesn’t want to be a burden.

I wonder how many of us are waiting for a phone call that’s never going to come.

If someone you love is grieving right now, maybe you feel stuck. You want to help. You just don’t know how. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, so you say nothing. You’re afraid of intruding, so you stay away. And the weeks slip by.

Maybe it’s your sister, whose husband died in the spring. Maybe it’s a friend from church who just buried her mom. Maybe it’s the neighbor whose son died, and you still don’t know what to say when you see him at the mailbox.

Here’s the good news. Learning how to help someone who is grieving is simpler than you think. It doesn’t take a counseling degree. It takes showing up. And then showing up again.

Two men and a rock

There’s a story in Exodus 17 that I think every helper should know.

The people of Israel were in the wilderness, and an army called the Amalekites attacked them. Moses sent Joshua down into the valley to fight. Then Moses climbed a hill with two men, his brother Aaron and a man named Hur, and held up the staff of God over the battle.

Something remarkable happened. “Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed” (Exodus 17:11, ESV).

But Moses was a man, not a statue. His arms got tired. Anybody’s would.

So look at what Aaron and Hur did. “But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun” (Exodus 17:12, ESV).

They didn’t give Moses a speech about having more faith. They didn’t tell him to try harder. They didn’t fight the battle for him either. That wasn’t their job.

They found a rock so he could sit down.

Then they stood beside him and held up his arms. All day long.

Steady until sundown

The Hebrew word translated steady in that verse is emunah. It’s a word that means firmness, steadfastness, faithfulness. It’s the same family of words the Old Testament uses for God’s own faithfulness.

Moses’ hands were steady. But not because Moses was strong. They were steady because two faithful friends refused to let go.

That’s what helping someone who is grieving looks like. You can’t take away the loss. You can’t fight their battle for them. Grief is theirs to walk through. But you can bring a rock. You can hold up an arm. And you can stay until sundown.

Notice too that it took two of them. One on one side, one on the other. Nobody can carry a grieving person alone, and nobody should try. That’s why it helps to quietly coordinate with others. One person handles meals. Another drives to appointments. Another just calls every Sunday night.

How to help someone who is grieving: what actually helps

Grief counselors and medical experts tend to agree on a few simple things. If you’re wondering how to help someone who is grieving, start smaller than you think.

What the research shows. Harvard Health Publishing suggests that instead of a vague offer, you “be specific when offering help.” It also warns that support often fades after the funeral, and that a grieving person “may need you even more after the first few weeks and months.” (Harvard Health)

So here’s what that looks like in real life.

Make a specific offer. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try “I’m going to the store Thursday. What can I pick up for you?” or “Can I mow your lawn this Saturday?” A yes or no question is so much easier to answer than an open door.

Say their person’s name. Many grieving people are afraid the one they love will be forgotten. Saying “I’ve been thinking about your mom” isn’t going to remind them of something they forgot. It tells them you remember too. And if they cry, you didn’t do anything wrong. You gave them permission.

Listen more than you talk. You don’t have to explain the loss or find the silver lining. Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least they’re not suffering” usually land hard, even when we mean well. “This must be so hard” and “I’m here” are enough.

Keep showing up. This is the big one. Put a reminder in your phone for every Tuesday. Mark the birthday, the anniversary, and the date they died on your calendar. Those days come around every year, and most people forget them after the first one.

Keep reading: Jesus wept: 6 myths about grief that hurt

You don’t have to get it right

Maybe you’re reading this and remembering times you got it wrong. The awkward thing you said at the visitation. The friend you meant to call and didn’t.

I want you to hear this. You don’t have to be a perfect helper. Aaron and Hur weren’t heroes. They were just two tired men standing on a hill. What made the difference wasn’t their wisdom. It was that they stayed.

And here’s the grace underneath all of it. Long before you ever held up anyone’s arms, God was holding up yours. Moses, near the end of his life, put it this way: “The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms” (Deuteronomy 33:27, ESV).

Underneath.

When your friend can’t hold up their own arms anymore, God hasn’t let go of them. And when you feel like you don’t have enough to give, He hasn’t let go of you either. You’re not the Savior in this story. You’re just a friend standing beside someone the Savior already holds.

Jesus came to show us exactly what that kind of love looks like. He went to the homes of grieving people. He stood at a grave and wept. He never once told anyone to hurry up and get over it.

If you’ve never thought of Jesus as Someone who walks beside you like that, you’re welcome to find out more here.

Keep reading: Let them carry it: how to accept help when you’re grieving

Something to try this Tuesday

Think of one person you know who is grieving. This Tuesday, send them a short text with no question in it. Something like “I’m thinking about you today, and I’m thinking about your dad. No need to answer. I love you.” That’s really how to help someone who is grieving: one small, faithful step at a time.

Then put a reminder in your phone to do it again next Tuesday.

That’s the rock. That’s the arm held up. It doesn’t look like much, but it might be what keeps someone steady until sundown.

And if you’d like more help knowing what to say and what not to say, I wrote a book for family and friends called Please Don’t Disappear: What Grieving People Wish You Knew. It might be a good next step.

“Let me know if you need anything” is a kind thing to say. But “I’ll be there Tuesday” is a kinder thing to do.

Blessings,

Pastor Howard